Now, we all have something that we all identify with: white, Mexican, black, tall, short, fat, skinny, blue eyes, brown eyes, brunette, blonde- the list continues on and on and on. We also identify with personality traits, I've been called anywhere between "the sweetest girl ever" to the "B" word. Some people have a limited range of identifiers while others have been identified as anything and everything. It's just what makes us who we are.
There's this post that had popped up on tumblr that every time it has shown up on my dash, I just get teary-eyed while i reread it for the 100th time pbecause I IDENTIFY WITH IT SO HARD.
"for twenty-year-olds who have never been loved
All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3 AM conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight then talk. You have never worn a lover’s sweater or “forgotten" it at home in your bedroom just so you would have an excuse to see them again. You have never even stood face-to-face with someone who makes your hands shake so hard it feels like they’re both having a separate anxiety attack.
This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity. Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth?
The answer is no. The better answer is that someone out there, somewhere in the world, is “wondering what it’s like to meet someone like you," and they have two decades worth of love stored in their veins like a shoot-‘em-up drug, and they’re just about ready to inject it into someone else’s bloodstream. All you have to do is roll up your sleeves and wait for it to happen.
At times you felt so lonely you could stand at the edge of a cliff with nothing beneath you but air and grass and a long, long way down, and you’d still feel emptier than that canyon itself. Maybe you even danced with yourself alone in your room a few times, arms outstretched around a ghost, pretending someone else’s hands were on your waist, someone else’s eyes boring into yours.
Or maybe you fell temporarily in love with strangers on public transportation, fell in love with anybody who so much as accidentally brushed your hand on the way past. For you, falling in love with dozens of people a day was a coping mechanism for not having anyone to love you in return. But people are not eggs and falling in love with a dozen of them does not mean your shell will remain uncracked. One day you’re going to hit the point where you’re so desperate for human contact that you’re going to snap in half and all your love will bleed out like egg yolk.
But someone out there is eating a bowl of Ramen noodles right now, or putting on slippers, or settling into bed. They are doing all the normal things that you’ve done in your own life. They are just like you. They have cellulite and extra fat in all the wrong places and goals and fears and doubts and bad handwriting.
The truth is that they are just like you, and being just like you, they’re looking for a lover too. They’re what you might call a soulmate.
They think they’re all alone in feeling the way they do, but you’re really both two halves of a whole.
And one day you’ll meet them, bump into them on the street, and your two halves will be put together, and you’ll make one."
The reason this gorgeous piece of writing identifies with me, because there has been too many lonely nights that I feel that I'm the only one dealing with loneliness. My views have become so inwardly turned to recognize that I am alone in the sense of not having a significant other, as a constant steam of people asking me about what my love life consists of, or how did my first kiss go, or if a certain boy has confessed his love to me yet. I'll smile politely and reply to their question, they not realizing that I had not had the luxurious privilege of having a love in my life.
Now, I know that I'm not truly alone. I have my family, my dear friends who are few in numbers or scattered around the world, my Heavenly Father, myself, all in my life who cares about my day or if I'm feeling okay.
These are people who may not know that a few months ago, I was at rock bottom and thought so so much that I was not worth anyone's friendship and I just kept to myself because I wasn't worth other's time or their space, let alone to breathe their same air. I had to move out of my dorm room because my roommate had been threatened by me being so enclosed to myself and not taking for hours and just staring at a computer screen all day long. Thankfully I'm not in that horrid position anymore and I am out of that slump, but when 3 am rolls around and I'm still awake, the loneliness settles in.
But I can't give up hope. I'm trying to put myself out there a bit more, and and just as that quote ends its self, there IS something out there for me. I don't know when or where or what, but there will be something new that what I can identify with.
That's what I love about identities. There are so many in this world; they can be rearranged, added or dropped completely. It's UP TO YOU.
I'll end this extremely long post with another quote that I hold dear by Marianne Williamson :
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are younot to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
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