Old Faces and Friends

So I saw my best guy friend from high school last night. I haven't seen him since  August when we went to lunch together because he just had gotten home from his mission. We facebooked briefly back in October, but essentially, we haven't really talked to or seen each other in a good two years. He doesn't interact with anyone on Facebook unless it concerns his mission so I kinda didn't even try to interact with him on there.

 But anyways, last night. 

So I'm going to this YSA conference next week and Elder Holland is going to be speaking to us on the first night. So they needed a choir to sing on that night, which me and Danica totally wanted to be on. We went to the practice and all day, I had a feeling that he would be there. But I would push it aside because I just didn't know how I would react to seeing him. 

He didn't notice me throughout the practice, which was a good thing because then I could focus on singing (they want us to memorize it alllllll blahhhh in like only a week and three practices). 

But after the practice, Danica dragged me over to where he was. He stood there talking to Danica when all of the sudden he noticed me. He stopped mid sentence and hugged me, practically yelling my name with excitement that I wasn't expecting whatsoever. It was weird to hug him, partially because I hardly ever hug people anymore, let alone boys. 

He then spent the rest of the time just focusing on me when others in the group that we were standing with were talking. I suddenly felt so self conscience. This boy that hasn't paid any attention to me for the last 5 months despite my somewhat minimal efforts was just enveloped by my precense. Then when it was time to leave, it turns out he parked right next to me. He demanded another hug and then whispered to me that it was so good to see me again. 

And just like that all those feelings I had in high school for him, good and bad, came rushing back. 

I don't know what to think of this. Like at all. I'll be seeing him for the next, at least week, and he said that we were going to get together to catch up. And it doesn't help that "On My Own" just started to play on pandora. Blah. I'll let you know. 

Update I guess?

Well, it's been a while. 
I finished my last semester up at NAU.  I only have one more semester, student teaching, left to do and then I'll be graduated in May.  Where has the time gone? I will have finished my college career in 3 years, and before I turn 21.  I'll turn 21 the same week I will commence for graduation.  I don't want to have to grow up.  It's 4 months away. 
With me being done at NAU though, that means I'm in Mesa again.  And I don't want to be.  I don't want to be in Flag either.  I want to travel. I just want to disappear one day and not return for a couple months because all I was doing was exploring and experiencing.  But that's unrealistic.  I have too many responsibilities and no money to do anything of that nature. 
I also am down to no friends basically.  Unless you count my cat.  My one friend went and got a boyfriend, and she already has her clique.  I understand that it's weird for her to have me suddenly back in her life full time, and having to incorporate with her clique that she has.  Not that they don't like me, it's just that they really don't know me to know how to interact with me.  Yesterday at church was super uncomfortable, because I was surrounded by a bunch of people that I knew but haven't talked in to for months or even years, and I'm expected to nicely mesh in with them, because they're in her clique.  I don't know.  Hopefully time will help.
My other friend, I just haven't wanted to hang  out with her.  Even though I am feeling so lonely here, I know she's lonely too, and all we'll do is  wallow in loneliness.  Because that's all we do basically.  I don't want to be around people who text you because they're pitying themselves.  That's my problem with the other friend too, she won't ask me to hang out unless she's already at the place, and it's halfway over.  I'm sorry, but I don't need pity.

My sister's engaged now.  How much you want to bet that she'll be married before I even get a boyfriend? Because it's highly likely.   She's planning on an October wedding, and guess who gets to plan it all?  Well, not that I'm not thankful for the chance to plan a wedding, because I've been wanting to help someone plan a wedding for like a year now, but it's just, she's already had her turn.  And for her to get a second chance before I even have an inkling of one, just doesn't seem fair. 
Tomorrow at midnight is the start of a new year.  I guess we'll see if it'll be good to me. 

First Day of School

So today is the last first day of my undergrad career.  Kinda daunting.  I'm officially a senior credit-wise, and next semester I will be student teaching down in Mesa! AHH.  Going waaay too fast.  I only have one class today, so it honestly doesn't feel like the first day of school.  I surveyed the syllabi for my classes, and this semester is going to be cray cray.  Like, yeah.
But hopefully this semester goes by fast.  I have a countdown going, and there's only 110 days for this semester.  And thankfully I don't have to stay in Flag for all of that.  I don't know why, but Flag, it used to be somewhere I could be free and do what I pleased.  It's all changed since then.  I've been hurt so many times up here.  I've gained more and lost most friends within weeks.   I don't know the definition of friend anymore because of how I've been treated by people up here.  To be honest, my goal this semester is to get in and get out.  I have 110 days to get out of here.  I'm not going to lie, Flag is the most beautiful places I've ever lived.  It fills me with awe of the weather, and the gorgeous scenery.  But I don't feel like I belong here anymore.  I honestly don't know how I ever did.  I've come to really appreciate Mesa, all it offers, and the people there.  I dreaded having to leave it this summer.  I always would gladly go on a vacation to get away, but Mesa is where I feel at home.  So, hopefully these 110 days will go by swiftly. 

So let's see, what's all happened?

Larry came home from his mission.  His president had him come home a transfer early so that he could start school this semester.  Danica and I got to go to lunch with him before I came back up here. 

We took him and his friend Sho to Costa Vida {which is my absolute FAVORITE. Like thank goodness that Flag got a Cafe Rio, which isn't as good, but will help curb my cravings while I'm up here.}.  We got to catch up and just have a good time.  Kinda excited to get to hang out with him more.  He and Sho lived together for 10 months on their mission, so they're basically brothers according to Larry.  So, fun to talk to somebody from a different country. 
I wish we had more time to catch up, but we're both adjusting to having each other around again.  Not going to lie, it was strange when he hugged me.  Partially because I haven't really been hugged from him since the August after I graduated high school. And I haven't hugged boys in a pretty darn long time.  The last one was when Ben left on his mission at the end of July.  Aw Ben! I miss him.  He's only been gone for a month! I really need to write him. 
Speaking of writing missionaries, there's a certain missionary that I think I'm done fixating upon.  I'm still fond of him, it's just.....I can't place myself in cold storage anymore.  Like, lesbihonest.  I'm probs not going to actively try to put myself out there, because I'm not like that.  But, I've been so worrying about him that I start to bring myself further down, and make up scenarios that are just ridiculous.  I can't live my life waiting on promised letters that never come, or could even qualify as letters.  I can't live off of speculations that my best friend swears on just because at one point of our lives, it seemed plausible.  I can't just think that everything is going to be better when he gets home because I have the potential of having a relationship when he gets home.  IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.  
I'm not going to stop writing him, or being his friend, I just think that there's too many unrealistic expectations that I have set for myself.  I need to focus on myself, my own happiness and above all, my schooling.  I haven't lost that sight, but I need to focus harder on it.

But who knows? Anything can happen.  But as for me, I need to be the source of my own happiness first.  And it's going to happen.      

Identity Crisis

So I don't know, but I have just wanted to write about identity and how the world is so totally dependent on it. 

Now, we all have something that we all identify with: white, Mexican, black, tall, short, fat, skinny, blue eyes, brown eyes, brunette, blonde- the list continues on and on and on. We also identify with personality traits, I've been called anywhere between "the sweetest girl ever" to the "B" word. Some people have a limited range of identifiers while others have been identified as anything and everything. It's just what makes us who we are. 

There's this post that had popped up on tumblr that every time it has shown up on my dash, I just get teary-eyed while i reread it for the 100th time pbecause I IDENTIFY WITH IT SO HARD. 

 "for twenty-year-olds who have never been loved

All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3 AM conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight then talk. You have never worn a lover’s sweater or “forgotten" it at home in your bedroom just so you would have an excuse to see them again. You have never even stood face-to-face with someone who makes your hands shake so hard it feels like they’re both having a separate anxiety attack.

This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity. Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth?

The answer is no. The better answer is that someone out there, somewhere in the world, is “wondering what it’s like to meet someone like you," and they have two decades worth of love stored in their veins like a shoot-‘em-up drug, and they’re just about ready to inject it into someone else’s bloodstream. All you have to do is roll up your sleeves and wait for it to happen.

At times you felt so lonely you could stand at the edge of a cliff with nothing beneath you but air and grass and a long, long way down, and you’d still feel emptier than that canyon itself. Maybe you even danced with yourself alone in your room a few times, arms outstretched around a ghost, pretending someone else’s hands were on your waist, someone else’s eyes boring into yours.

Or maybe you fell temporarily in love with strangers on public transportation, fell in love with anybody who so much as accidentally brushed your hand on the way past. For you, falling in love with dozens of people a day was a coping mechanism for not having anyone to love you in return. But people are not eggs and falling in love with a dozen of them does not mean your shell will remain uncracked. One day you’re going to hit the point where you’re so desperate for human contact that you’re going to snap in half and all your love will bleed out like egg yolk.

But someone out there is eating a bowl of Ramen noodles right now, or putting on slippers, or settling into bed. They are doing all the normal things that you’ve done in your own life. They are just like you. They have cellulite and extra fat in all the wrong places and goals and fears and doubts and bad handwriting.

The truth is that they are just like you, and being just like you, they’re looking for a lover too. They’re what you might call a soulmate.

They think they’re all alone in feeling the way they do, but you’re really both two halves of a whole.

And one day you’ll meet them, bump into them on the street, and your two halves will be put together, and you’ll make one."

The reason this gorgeous piece of writing identifies with me, because there has been too many lonely nights that I feel that I'm the only one dealing with loneliness.  My views have become so inwardly turned to recognize that I am alone in the sense of not having a significant other, as a constant steam of people asking me about what my love life consists of, or how did my first kiss go, or if a certain boy has confessed his love to me yet. I'll smile politely and reply to their question, they not realizing that I had not had the luxurious privilege of having a love in my life. 

Now, I know that I'm not truly alone. I have my family, my dear friends who are few in numbers or scattered around the world, my Heavenly Father, myself, all in my life who cares about my day or if I'm feeling okay. 

These are people who may not know that a few months ago, I was at rock bottom and thought so so much that I was not worth anyone's friendship and I just kept to myself because I wasn't worth other's time or their space, let alone to breathe their same air. I had to move out of my dorm room because my roommate had been threatened by me being so enclosed to myself and not taking for hours and just staring at a computer screen all day long. Thankfully I'm not in that horrid position anymore and I am out of that slump, but when 3 am rolls around and I'm still awake, the loneliness settles in. 

But I can't give up hope. I'm trying to put myself out there a bit more, and and just as that quote ends its self, there IS something out there for me. I don't know when or where or what, but there will be something new that what I can identify with. 

That's what I love about identities. There are so many in this world; they can be rearranged, added or dropped completely. It's UP TO YOU.   

I'll end this extremely long post with another quote that I hold dear by Marianne Williamson : 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are younot to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

penguin arms

So, Christina Perri has become one of my favorite artists. 

Yeah, the first songs that pop into your head when you hear her name is the way overplayed "jar of hearts" and "A Thousand Years". 

But, listen to "arms" and "penguin" and "bluebird".  It's just...her music is about unconventional love.
 Love that you don't feel that you deserve, but are so grateful for it being in your life.
 It's about how to overcome a broken heart that you don't think will ever go away until you suddenly meet someone new, who's even more perfect for you than the last.
It's about true love that you think you just somehow good karma smiled down on you and you just got lucky,  but deep down, you know that it was fate that you met and fell in love with that person.

Now, I know that I've never been in love, let alone have a boyfriend that I can profess lovey feelings towards, so I really shouldn't be preaching this. 

It's just, above all, I believe in love.  The greatest thing you'll ever learn is how to love and be loved in return.  {ten points to hufflepuff if you name that movie}

Can I just say, that you are a beautiful person who deserves love.  Don't give up!

Updateeeeeee

So, blame Manduhs, but I'm finally updating my blog.

It's just that my life is is boring, that why on earth will people want to read about it?
School's over for the semester, as it's kinda JULY already.  I passed all my classes and had to take a summer course, which I passed too.  ha yeaaaah, my life is basically revolves around school.  Even my job revolves around school.  I freaking work at an elementary school.  I do crafts with little kids for a living! Don't get me wrong, it's fun, but kinda monotonous and tiring on some days. And I have to wear tie-dye all day, erryday.  Like seriously, look at this tie-dye I have to wear. 

Yeah.  I now have a hatred for tie-dye. 

But yeah, the summer is already half over; I only have 2 weeks left of work too.  Kinda sucks, because they'll be a whole other month that I won't be getting a paycheck for. 

What else has happened this summer?
I bought an iPhone.  and I freaking LOVE it.  Like favorite purchase ever. 
I had an awesome birthday back in May.  Manduhs came up and visited me and we had a shopping date with my roommate, and then went out to dinner at Oregano's!

I'm not actually that tall.  I swear I was wearing heels.

Let's see.  I heard from David finally, right after I got home from school.  Basically, I was hardcore complaining for a couple days to some friends about not hearing from him from months and the third day, I decided to give up hope, I got a letter from him! CRUH-RIED.

 

YEAH.  It was a short letter, but I so needed it.  

Let's see, what else? I went to Disneyland.

It was a stressful trip, but I still had fun.  A Dapper Dan was flirting with me.  I'm not lying! He totes was.  So was the worker who I got my dinner from! That's the most flirting that has ever happened to me! I not lying.  Quit laughing at my pathetic love life. 


Apart of hanging out with Manduhs, Danica, and Mags, that's been my life so far! Oh I went to a couple of concerts toward the end of last semester and got some famous people autographs, but that's about it!

Hopefully I'll post more as life goes on.  Now, I'm going to bed as my drugs are starting to kick in.  {Yesterday while shooting off fireworks for 4th of July, some ants decided to attack my left foot, so now it's ridiculously covered with bites, so I've been taking medicine to keep the swelling down.  lucky me!}

adios! 

I Dreamed a Dream in Time Gone By

Have you ever had a dream that just confuses everything in you, and makes you question everything?

I just had one during my Sunday afternoon nap.  {I've been dead tired because of nonstop school assignments and getting so much done in a short amount of time.  I deserved that nap gosh dang it.}

My dream started out with me being up here at school and seeing some of the now seniors/juniors of MHS orchestra, which totally makes sense because I just saw them this weekend for the All-State concert that NAU was hosting.  But I turned around and saw Larry {introduced in this post here} who is still on his mission in Japan until August.  In the dream it made sense because his little brother was one of the ones who was up here for All-State and so was Larry's family, who I also ran into this weekend.  So why not dream about Larry?  Plus I think it was because I told mine and Larry's story to my new roommate {that's a whole other story.  Short version, my old roommate and I hadn't really talked in months and she was bringing alcohol in the dorm room when I'd go home for the weekend and we can get into a crap ton of trouble for that, and then she basically became threatening towards me because of the alcohol situation. So I moved out, had my own room for two weeks and then my new roommate Liz moved on Tuesday, and we totes get along fine. Yay for story time?}

 

Anyways, back to my dream, there I was standing face to face with Larry all dressed up in his missionary suit and tag, and all of the sudden, his face up lit up and he extended his hand toward me for a handshake.  From that handshake, he pulled me into a hug.  I commented on how he had become buff and trimmed down {cheesy--I know} and he commented how much more beautiful I had gotten since he left.  And then he said that I had gotten so much more romantic since he left, and then did one of those dance dips and looked straight into my eyes.  I blushed and then he had to leave because he had not yet seen all of his family, and we parted ways. 

I ran back to the front of my dorm, and I saw my roommate and I hastily said, "LIZLARRY'SBACK" and she started to freak out with me. But then I looked up, and saw Larry standing there. He hadn't left. I walked up to him and coyly said "So what, now you're stalking me?" and he just stood there and smiled. I invited him to go upstairs to my room and he took my hand and lead me to the door.  We step into my dorm building and from there held hands and after taking forever to find my room, we finally stepped inside. I gave him the very short tour, and then he looked straight into my eyes and leaned in, and then I woke up with a startle.

umm so yeah. That was my dream today. And it made me question EVERYTHING. Do I still have feelings for Larry? What about David? 

I haven't heard from David since DECEMBER.  FREAKING DECEMBER.  I had this really sweet girl in my class asking me yesterday when "my boyfriend" was getting back. {BTDubs, countdown is at 11 months today.} But there's a corner in my mind that honestly feels that he's forgotten all about me, and by the time he does get home, he'll want nothing to do with me and all my friend's predictions and hopes that we'll eventually get married will all be for naught.  I mean, we were never officially ever dating, so there's always a chance that he didn't get the same vibe from me and I made it all up in my head.

I have no idea, but I know it'll all work out one day. hopefully.